Despite my painful legs, yes they're still continuing, but my appointment is on Tuesday and then I can hopefully trial new meds for my legs. I'm really hoping my body takes to them. My hopes are high, so fingers crossed!
For those who know me well, will probably be shocked at this blog, as I am usually quite a confident girl and won't let PH stop me! Anyway, I went out with friends and had a super time. However when we went for a meal, I needed the toilet, but I had a sudden fear of asking the restaurant manager for the radar key to the accessible toilet. I've never been like this before, but I think as I wasn't feeling very well that day, the thought of rejection was too much for me to cope with at that moment. I do have my own radar key, but some days when I've swapped handbags it's not with me and this was one of those days.
So I asked my husband to come with me to ask for this key, as I knew he wouldn't have any whys? what for? or any weird looks and therefore I felt "safe" that I would get the key. So guess what, yes I got the key and no questions were asked, no second looks, just the key handed over to me! Success!
Pulmonary Hypertension is invisible for me and I feel I've had my fair share of ignorance and abuse and that day, I knew I couldn't handle it. I was very lucky to have Terry with me that day, but sometimes it is just me and the fear of asking can sometimes get too much that I have made myself struggle to the nearest toilet.
These fears don't just stick with going to the toilet, but when I park in a disability bay. When I am not up for any confrontation, due to feeling so unwell on the inside, I now sit and wait in my car. I wait until there aren't many people around me and then I get out sheepishly and sometimes pretend I'm texting, so I don't lock eyes with anyone, even though I know I deserve my badge!
I feel, I really shouldn't have to be made to feel this way! It's a shame that it has come to this, but what else can I do when I feel so ill inside but look so well on the outside. As many people with invisible illnesses know, it's very difficult to live a normal life at times.